You know you’ve hired a lousy fluid process engineer when:

  1. They tell you how they intend to purchase something from you but haven’t a clue what it is or, who makes it?
  2. They specify that all drawings, weights, capacities and curves be done with imperial measurements but specify the pumps in liters/minute, pressures in Kilopascals gauge (kpag), metric millimeter flanges and motors in kilowatts.
  3. They want a commercial type pump but certified and performance tested to ANSI / API standards.
  4. They want a magnetically driven, vertical, tank top mounted process pump, which normally, WOULD’T HAVE A SEAL ANYWAY!
  5. They’ve done computer hydraulic simulations (with a pump they haven’t spec’d yet) and give you minus kpag as the suction pressure….WTF? Ever heard of NPSH’a (see #12).
  6. They need certified arrangement drawings for a pump which has been manufactured / assembled the same way for over 50 years.
  7. In a total of 587 frick’n pages of specifications, they forgot to tell you the voltages required for the motors.
  8. You know you’re in BIG trouble when the spec says they can cancel the contract, at any time, at their discretion without cost?
  9. The pumps have to export packaged to go from Mississauga to Brampton (so what countries are we talking ’bout here Willis?).
  10. They want storage instructions for up to 12 months from delivery yet their contract completion date is within 5 months. Might you get paid the same way?
  11. They need manuals printed on standard paper, put into a 3 ring binder which NO-ONE, EVER, EVER will read, knows how to…. or even cares to! (Funny….Adobe sounds so much like “a dope”).
  12. You discuss NPSH with them and it reminds you of the joke (N-o P-umps S-old H-ere). You tell it, and they don’t get it.
  13. The pump is in a harsh (chemical) environment. It’s to be titanium construction ($$$$$), magnetically driven ($$$$$) but you must put a lamicoid plastic tag on it because that will last forever. You got it, it’s the vertical pump they’re referring to in #4 above).
  14. Ah, and last but not least, the Friday afternoon brush-off………….
    “Hey, I have a yellow pump needs replacing….ya got any………..
    Nah, we only stock red ones”…..have a nice weekend.
  15. I hope I hit at least one funnybone in all of you.

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